Bancuri, Glume, Etc
#61
Posted 13 October 2007 - 01:49 PM
O batrana se apropie de el si ii zise:
- Fiule, nu stii ca daca manaci atatea bomboane o sa ti se strice dintii, o sa ai acnee si o sa ti se faca rau?
- Bunicul meu a trait 105 ani! raspunde Bula.
- Si manca cinci bomboane dintr-o data? intreaba batrana.
- Nu, raspunde Bula, dar isi vedea de treaba lui.
#63
Posted 14 October 2007 - 10:09 AM
#68
Posted 26 October 2007 - 02:44 PM
- Zi-mi, fiule!
- Am fost la o petrecere... si acolo am intalnit o tanara.... si o voce imi zicea 'Fa-o!... Uite cum arata!'...
iar alta voce imi zicea 'Ai copii si nevasta acasa.... nu o face!'
- Si ce ai facut, fiule?
- Pai... n-am facut-o... dar am pacatuit cu gandul....
- Fiule... trebuie sa te duci acasa....
si timp de o saptamana sa bei cate 3 galeti de apa pe zi.
- De ce trei galeti, parinte?
- Pentru ca asa bea un bou!
Seara, Ion si Maria se pregatesc de culcare. Ion iese afara sa se usureze. Se intoarce peste citeva minute cu pantalonii uzi. Maria il intreaba:
- Ploua?
- Nu, bate vintul.
#69
Posted 31 October 2007 - 11:31 AM
Sa te dai jos din carusel si altadata sa nu mai bei...
#70
Posted 15 November 2007 - 11:27 PM
- E adevarat ce mi-a spus sotul dumneavoastra? De ce nu vretzi sa
faceti sex?..
- Domnule doctor, sunt foarte chinuita. Toata ziua lucrez.
Dimineata sar intr-un taxi sa ma duc la serviciu.
Cand ajung, taximetristul
ma intreaba: "Facem socoteala sau..." Ca sa fac o economie, aleg "sau".
Ajung la servici, seful imi zice: "Iar ai intarziat. Ce facem, iti taiem din
salariu, sau?... Binenteles, aleg "sau".
Dupa lucru, obosita ma urc intr-un taxi si acelasi lucru...
Doctorul: Ei, ce parere avetzi, ii spunem sotului, sau?...
#72
Posted 09 December 2007 - 10:40 PM
#73
Posted 14 December 2007 - 02:42 PM
Citeste si analizeaza fraza urmatoare: "Daca barbatul ar sti realmente valoarea pe care o are femeia ar merge in patru labe in cautarea ei."
Daca sunteti femeie, cu siguranta ati aseza virgula dupa cuvantul "femeia". Daca sunteti barbat, cu siguranta ati aseza virgula dupa cuvantul "are".
#74
Posted 16 December 2007 - 03:25 AM
incat I believe ca mor
you are so incantatoare
oh, my dear, cat te ador!
When I go la brat cu tine
ma simt very magulit
caci are looking toti la mine
oh,I am so,so fericit.
All ar fi atat de bine...
but you see,nu-i chiar asa
caci I tell ce simt in mine
dar tu smile si smile intr-una
And I think ca spun traznai.
Please don't face pe nebuna
si mai look in ochii mei.
Understand?I love you draga
cum vrei sa-ti mai vorbesc
you are totul pentru mine
and I want sa te-ntalnesc.
But is dificult,vezi bine
caci your mother e pe faza
si din five in five minute
carefully ne controleaza
Maybe sa ajung la tine
ca in Shakespeare, "Juliet"
I "Romeo" love pe tine
give me scara din boschet.
#75
Posted 18 December 2007 - 09:15 AM
- Batrane, ai porc?
- Da, am!
- No.. si ce ii dai sa manance?
- Pai.. resturi ce imi raman si mie.. laturi.. deastea..
- Aoleu.. ai 200 mil amenda... cum poti sa dai la porc sa manance laturi.. dai si tu legume.. fructe... sucuri.. Peste 1 luna ... vin altii de la garda..
- Aveti porc?
- Da!
- Si ce ii dati sa manance ?!
- Pai... ii dau sucuri.. fructe.... legume..
- Aoleu.. cum se poate una ca asta? oamenii mor de foamne.. si dvs dati fructe.. legume.. la porc sa manance.. cum se poate una ca asta? Aveti 100 mil amenda. Peste 6 luni apare iar garda...
- Batrane.. ai porc?
- Da!!!
- Si ce ii dai sa manance?!
- Nu'i dau nimic!
- Da cum asa ?!
- Pai... ii las 100 de mii ... sa isi ia el ce vrea
#76
Posted 09 January 2008 - 12:32 AM
Un politist, care isi facea rondul de noapte, se apropie de el si il intreaba ce face, la care betivul ii zice ca isi cauta cheia. Asadar, se punamandoi pe cautat.
Dupa o vreme, cautand in zadar, politistul il intreaba pe om daca e sigur ca le-a pierdut acolo, iar acesta ii raspunde:
- De fapt, le-am pierdut la stalpul celalalt, dar aici e lumina...
#77
Posted 10 January 2008 - 12:18 AM
- ba, daca imi ziceti un cuvant sa nu stiu ce inseamna, va dau drumul. daca nu, in oala cu voi.
ii vine prima data randul americanului..asta, stia numai engleza..
- butterfly
zice canibalu: - ce ba, esti prost??!! fluture. hai, la ciorba cu tine!
vine francezu', asta nu stia decat franceza si o limba internationala, engleza normal. se gandeste el, doar n-o sa zica in franceza, zice in engleza:
- butterrrrrrfly..
canibalu', mirat:
- ba, esti tampit?? fluture! la tocanita cu tine.
moldoveanu, speriat rau, se gandeste si zice:
- butterflyli
sta canibalu, se gandeste, se gandeste, pana la urma se da batut..
- bine, ma, te las sa pleci..da' de inseamna butterflyli?
-fluturili
#79
Posted 16 January 2008 - 08:35 PM
-Salut, ce faci? Nu fac parte dintre aceia care intra in discutii intr-un WC, dar acum am raspuns:
-Destul de bine! La care tipul intreaba:
-Incotro mergi? Ce intrebare! Discutia incepea sa fie bizara, asa ca am raspuns scurt:
-Bucuresti! La care vecinul, mai nervos, spune:
-Auzi, fii atent! Te sun mai tarziu, ca am un tampit in cabina alaturata care-mi raspunde la toate intrebarile. Pa!
#80
Posted 19 January 2008 - 10:38 PM
- Cum a fost întâlnirea de ieri?
- Dezastroasă.. Ştii că tipa cu care am ieşit ieri e bună rău, şi-mi provoca o erecţie puternică numai când o vedeam
- Aşa, şi?!
- Păi, aseară, când să plec înspre ea, mi-am legat organul de picior ca să nu o sperii.
- Şi ?
- Când am fost să o iau de acasă, m-a întâmpinat într-o rochie cu decolteu şi cu un sliţ până la fund..
- Norocosule!! Şi mai departe ce s-a întâmplat?
-.... I-am tras un picior în gură
#82
Posted 24 January 2008 - 07:31 PM
- Doctore, zice baba, nu stiu ce sa ma fac, de la o vreme am gaze la stomac, trag vanturi tot timpul. Noroc ca le trag fara zgomot si chiar fara miros. Orisicat, e deranjant. Uite, de cand am intrat in biroul dumitale, am tras cel putin 10 bucati.
Doctorul, ii da niste pastile si ii zice:
- Luati pilulele astea de 3 ori pe zi si veniti luni la control. Vine baba dupa o saptamana si zice:
- Nu stiu ce mi-ati dat, dar acum "vanturile" mele put ingrozitor, insa au ramas la fel de silentioase.
- OK, zice doctorul, acum ca v-am degajat sinusul, hai sa vedem ce putem face cu timpanul.
#83
Posted 25 January 2008 - 03:53 PM
Vine tatal catranit de la facultate.
- Bine mai fiule, chiar ultimul pe lista de respinsi?
- Ei tata...nu-s eu chiar ultima gaina. Daca te uitai mai bine ai fi vazut ca dupa mine era unul si mai tantalau, care s-a si semnat: "Academician Profesor Doctor Inginer X"
#84
Posted 30 January 2008 - 01:29 PM
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
;
> WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding
items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remot e?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot
wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
> MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons
for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
> He answers, " You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a cart on of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
> WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word.
BR>An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
> W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
> 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
> The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
> The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
> "What?"
> CREATION
< BR>A man said to his wife one day,
"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time?"
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
>
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatm ent. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>
> God may have created man before woman,
> but there is always a rough draft before the
> masterpiece.
>
>
> SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN
> YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
#85
Posted 31 January 2008 - 02:46 PM
Femeile
O femeie se intoarce acasa dimineata. Barbatul o intreaba unde a fost pina la ora asta, la care femeia respunde ca a dormit la cea mai buna prietena a ei. Barbatul da telefon la 10 dintre cele mai bune prietene ale sotiei. Nici una nu ii confirma ca a dormit noaptea la ea.
Barbatii
Se intoarce barbatul dimineata acasa. Femeia il intreaba unde a fost pina la ora asta. El isi argumenteaza lipsa datorita faptului ca a dormit acasa la cel mai bun prieten. Femeia telefoneaza la 10 dintre cei mai buni prieteni a sotului ei si din toti, 8 ii confirma ca intr-adevar noaptea precedenta sotul ei a dormit la ei. Ceilalti 2 insista ca acesta inca se afla acolo.